[Belatedly Aubrey realizes she implied Eren’s mindscape creates games. It doesn’t, exactly, but—well, has she played word association with Armin? When he panicked he made a foggy rooftop; when Eren did, buttons clattered and metal clanged. Endless walls rose around a dance floor. Aubrey herself seems to raise a quiet rot, maybe an icestorm—and a labyrinth of shadow.
[Never mind when Eren himself became an illusion. That certainly wasn’t his doing.... Was it?]
[She frowns, lost in that mental montage for a while. Graciously, the world reflects nothing.] It’s not the only one. [Nearly muttered, that. And yet Aubrey thinks the most dangerous things she’s done here haven’t needed a kick from the world at all.]
[Back to Reiner. Stay grounded.]
We’re supposed to learn from it, maybe. It keeps us honest. [Sometimes by force. She might not need to tell Reiner about that.]
And Eren’s mind… [Idly she traces the mark again, this time with the same thumb.] …doesn’t have to be so dangerous.
[If Reiner notices the mark, he doesn't make it obvious. Would he want somebody staring at his scars? Well, here he is, listening to a stranger describe Eren Jaeger's mind. Reiner's heart aches painfully. He has to wonder...]
If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that Eren's shown sides of himself to you that he hasn't shown anyone in a long time.
[Just one more thing Reiner can blame himself for. Whatever flame Eren had, he ensured it was successfully snuffed out. Reiner used to sit and listen to him talk about freedom, about what might lie behind the walls; even now, he feels sick with shame even thinking about it. I some ways, this all could have been avoided; in other ways, it was always destined to happen just the way it did...]
I should tell you...two of the memories that you and Eren shared, I shared too. One in our Cadets' barracks during the winter, and one training with my comrade, Annie.
[All that is to say, he knows that "destroyed Eren's home town" and "fighting on the side that's against the apocalypse" aren't all she knows about he and Eren...]
Eren and I used to be close.
So, yeah. I get what you mean. He's a complex guy. In some ways...
[“…that he hasn’t shown anyone in a long time.” Okay. Just. Twist that blade, a little bit. Give it a good shake.]
[Fortunately Reiner has more to say. Unfortunately, Aubrey’s been caught on her omission. She scratches the nack of her neck (the nape, always the nape she goes to, now), turning aside. “Used to be close” doesn’t seem to scratch the surface....]
I, uh. Don’t suppose you saw what happened during those memories, either…? [Only faintly a question.]
[Aubrey leans against the nearest wall, suddenly exhausted. The stone’s got nothing on that a embrace.] “Complex”… that’s a start.
[Oh. Great. He got the most embarrassing, mutually-incriminating part.]
Sorry about that. [If it sounds a little clipped (which it does) it’s because she’s trying not to turn red in front of a semi-stranger.]
[Aubrey cough-clears her throat.] So, the one with Annie… he was teaching me that move of hers. And the other…
We were in a similar situation. With the, uh, cold outside and—
I got his feelings with it, I think. [Yeah, that’s right, abruptly shift the topic; that sounds sooo much better. She looks down the street opposite Reiner.] His feelings now, I mean, not back then. They’re…
[At this, a thrill of dread down his spine. He recalls again the meeting in Liberio, the fear and shame that he felt, both equally ugly and intertwined. And then, Eren…
[For the very briefest moment, there’s terror in Reiner’s eyes.
[He shakes it off. ’Get it together.’]
I know how he feels about me, yeah.
[He can’t help but sound somewhat shaken, though his voice is steady.]
He’s told me in no uncertain terms. He told me the truth.
I’ve earned it. I get it. But I don’t have the luxury of lying down and dying, so…
[Unless he’s dead now. That would mean Eren is too. No rest for either of them.]
I’m not asking anyone to believe it, but I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.
Still, if we have to be enemies…then I accept that too.
[The’re something off in Reiner’s tone that catches her. Nothing too clear, not from across an alley and without even facing him, but it at least has Aubrey looking back his way.]
[“I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.”]
[The figurative blade is wedged deeper. This should really be no surprise. Maybe Eren doesn’t want to kill this man after all; could be worse. Could be a deathgrip on a bleeding palm.]
I believe you. [It’s almost blurted. Aubrey stands back upright, her expression deathly serious as she watches Reiner.] On both fronts.
Whatever you two have… it’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?
[Aubrey’s sudden intensity strikes Reiner before the question does. One feels like an alarm, the other an explosion. Reiner’s struck with the realization that Aubrey understands; understands something that only he and Eren ever could. It feels exposing. It feels like…relief.]
You get it.
[It’s a million times worse. It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die. It’s longing for something that never truly existed, so painfully and all-consuming that you can’t deny it was real.
[Reiner doesn’t know how to say it all so plainly…So, the universe does him a favor; whispers the words above directly into Aubrey’s ears. Reiner doesn’t notice; he continues.]
It is worse. It’s a worse Hell than I can describe. I’m sure Eren feels the same.
[The voice that doesn’t match his mouth—hell, what else is new. It could almost be her own thoughts—almost. But “never truly existed”? Eren’s affection isn’t some illusion; Reiner should know that, too. It just… it isn’t.
[It can’t be.]
[Yet every word, aloud and otherwise, rings wrenchingly true. An exposure and a relief in turn, then.
[Aubrey nods, gripping her chest in one hand and raising the tainted other; a tense, twisted fascimile of her pledge for Armin’s love.
[She doesn’t need the world to speak for her.] I want to help him. Despite everything. [Is that a vow or a shackle?]
I don’t know what he feels about me now [as if she ever did]—but I can’t let him die.
[Aubrey realizes, finally, why she wasn’t smiling when she confessed to Eren. The realization was anything but happy, even as she held his face. The recognition, now, is a bullet in slow motion. Her expression is pained.]
There’s something really wrong with us.
[And a more brutal truth, which Aubrey can’t bring herself to say aloud; thus the world delivers, for Reiner’s ears only: I want him back.]
[It isn't that Eren's love was an illusion; Reiner's was. At least, that's how it looks to Eren (looked? Reiner can't be sure how he might feel now). As always, it was Reiner's actions that led them to the path they're on now - his lies, his betrayal. It all would have had to come out eventually; Reiner isn't sure that things would have ended differently if he hadn't bonded with Eren. Either way, they are where they are now. Eren is on a suicide mission, and this girl - his girl - seems to realize that.
[She grips her chest, she raises her palm, permanently marked (Eren's doing?). "I want to help him. Despite everything."
["I want him back." Are those Aubrey's words, or Reiner's? They strike him so deeply that he almost can't tell the difference. Did he imagine it? A thought that's crossed his mind a million times.
[If only life were different, he and Eren might have been able to find some form of happiness together; as comrades, as friends, as...whatever they were on track to be, whatever they are now. If only he could have him back. If only that were ever a possibility. If only he weren't destined to lose him from the moment they met.]
I want to help him too.
[Reiner shakes his head, stares down at his hands, palms up.]
We're at a point now where I don't even know that we can - back home, I mean. And we're still trying.
[Eren has that affect on people too.]
There is something wrong with us.
[In this moment, he means himself an Aubrey more than anyone. Armin, Mikasa, Jean - any of them. They wouldn't get it. They don't.]
What can we do?
[He sounds hopeless. His mind whispers, "We love him. He loves us too, doesn't he? And it kills him. It's fucking killing him."
[Quietly, almost and afterthought.]
It really was my doing...I broke him.
Edited (bonus line for u also) 2023-10-16 14:40 (UTC)
[Reiner shares this—this love, this burden. This desire to help the man (the boy, almost, even now) intent on killing himself—hellbent on putting that responsibility in his loved ones’ hands. And here’s Aubrey and Reiner, taking up the task in another world, where no one’s lives are at stake but their own.
[Because they couldn’t stop caring about Eren at gunpoint.
It’s killing us, too.
[What else can they do?]
[And yet—Reiner’s quiet confession, afterthought that it may be; that catches her, too. Just what it ignites isn’t clear yet. The grip on her own chest presses tighter, as if she might rip her heart out with enough effort.]
Not for good. [He still smiled. He still laughed. Aubrey might have been lying to herself, but was Eren? It wouldn’t have crushed him so thoroughly if he’d been faking it all.] I-it’s as you said—he hasn’t shown it in a long time, but it’s still there.
[Her hand and Armin’s in Eren’s, all three of them chained… that wasn’t a lie, either.]
We can bring it out again.
[“We have to—I have to. There’s nothing else left.”]
["It's killing us too." Reiner grips his own chest when Aubrey says that. He nods, miserable. It is killing him; it's all killing him, and not fast enough. Seeing Eren in person again had felt...indescribable in the worst way. Reiner had fallen to his knees, begging Eren to kill him, to take what was owed. And Eren didn't. Why not? To punish him? Or was it something else?
[They broke each other. But Aubrey's words - both said and unsaid - spark a flame of feeble hope. Not that things might get better, or that Eren can be saved; just that he's still in there somewhere. This girl, to his knowledge, doesn't know who Eren used to be, the raw passion that bled from every inch of him. Terrifying passion, but with something to cling to other than destruction.
["He wanted freedom. He wanted happiness. He believed he could find it. He really did. That's the Eren I want back."
[Reiner takes a deep breath. The idea of facing Eren is always a bone-chilling one, made up of both fear and guilt. Once he and Eren are actually face to face, it's a thousand times worse. He'll always be the man that Reiner loves. It's a sick fate.]
I'm...not sure that I can bring anything out in Eren that isn't pain, but...
["He's suffering."]
I want to help.
I'll do whatever I can.
[Maybe it's delusional; it wouldn't be the first time. But, fuck. What else does he have to lose? Just Eren.]
[The Eren who Reiner knows, used to know—maybe not the same Aubrey knows, but she’s known glimpse enough. She’s known that passion around her, or so even now she wants to think; his arms, his softness, his love.
[Freedom. Happiness. Aubrey nods at that unspoken longing; miserable, yet… hopeful? Is that what’s making her heart beat faster; lovesick, pained, excited? Much as Reiner says he might bring nothing but pain, he wants to help. That reckless vow might not be such a lost cause.]
[Could seeing Reiner again help Eren? It’s hard to fathom, not when Eren’s only ever spoken of him with such cutting hatred, and yet—]
[“…I do hate you.” It’s an echo loud and clear, one audible to both, as if spoken inches from their faces. Like Eren on the screens again; everywhere, nowhere. “And I do love you.”]
[Aubrey steels herself.]
The last time we talked about you—Eren said he hopes you wouldn’t show up. For your own sake. [Better to be direct. Reiner can read into that as he will.]
But I doubt he wants to see me again, either. [Does he? What else was that furious, shouted “Always, then”? What else was his final answer?]
And maybe that… [It’s a chilling thought.] …that’s exactly what he needs.
[The whispered words - not in Aubrey's voice, not in Reiner's, but echoing the beat of their hearts all the same, tall and dark-haired, with green eyes like a sea on fire. Reiner's expression becomes pained. She really does understand. He feels sick for her. It isn't easy to love Eren Jaeger, and they both know it very well.]
To see us again, you mean.
[A statement as much as it is a question. He finds that, despite it all, he doesn't want her answer to be the opposite.]
[Reiner offers his hand—his left, Aubrey notes. She hesitates, strangely; it’s an irrevocable part of that vow, but feels somehow… purer. Less tainted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Belatedly Aubrey realizes she implied Eren’s mindscape creates games. It doesn’t, exactly, but—well, has she played word association with Armin? When he panicked he made a foggy rooftop; when Eren did, buttons clattered and metal clanged. Endless walls rose around a dance floor. Aubrey herself seems to raise a quiet rot, maybe an icestorm—and a labyrinth of shadow.
[Never mind when Eren himself became an illusion. That certainly wasn’t his doing.... Was it?]
[She frowns, lost in that mental montage for a while. Graciously, the world reflects nothing.] It’s not the only one. [Nearly muttered, that. And yet Aubrey thinks the most dangerous things she’s done here haven’t needed a kick from the world at all.]
[Back to Reiner. Stay grounded.]
We’re supposed to learn from it, maybe. It keeps us honest. [Sometimes by force. She might not need to tell Reiner about that.]
And Eren’s mind… [Idly she traces the mark again, this time with the same thumb.] …doesn’t have to be so dangerous.
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If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that Eren's shown sides of himself to you that he hasn't shown anyone in a long time.
[Just one more thing Reiner can blame himself for. Whatever flame Eren had, he ensured it was successfully snuffed out. Reiner used to sit and listen to him talk about freedom, about what might lie behind the walls; even now, he feels sick with shame even thinking about it. I some ways, this all could have been avoided; in other ways, it was always destined to happen just the way it did...]
I should tell you...two of the memories that you and Eren shared, I shared too. One in our Cadets' barracks during the winter, and one training with my comrade, Annie.
[All that is to say, he knows that "destroyed Eren's home town" and "fighting on the side that's against the apocalypse" aren't all she knows about he and Eren...]
Eren and I used to be close.
So, yeah. I get what you mean. He's a complex guy. In some ways...
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[“…that he hasn’t shown anyone in a long time.” Okay. Just. Twist that blade, a little bit. Give it a good shake.]
[Fortunately Reiner has more to say. Unfortunately, Aubrey’s been caught on her omission. She scratches the nack of her neck (the nape, always the nape she goes to, now), turning aside. “Used to be close” doesn’t seem to scratch the surface....]
I, uh. Don’t suppose you saw what happened during those memories, either…? [Only faintly a question.]
[Aubrey leans against the nearest wall, suddenly exhausted. The stone’s got nothing on that a embrace.] “Complex”… that’s a start.
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[His expression suddenly tightens a bit; like a facial flinch.]
I remember you screaming. That's all. I couldn't see or feel anything after that.
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[Oh. Great. He got the most embarrassing, mutually-incriminating part.]
Sorry about that. [If it sounds a little clipped (which it does) it’s because she’s trying not to turn red in front of a semi-stranger.]
[Aubrey cough-clears her throat.] So, the one with Annie… he was teaching me that move of hers. And the other…
We were in a similar situation. With the, uh, cold outside and—
I got his feelings with it, I think. [Yeah, that’s right, abruptly shift the topic; that sounds sooo much better. She looks down the street opposite Reiner.] His feelings now, I mean, not back then. They’re…
[“Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. For his sake.”
[Aubrey decides she will not, as much as the world allows, be telling Eren about this encounter.]
…intense. [A delayed finish.] You probably know that.
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[For the very briefest moment, there’s terror in Reiner’s eyes.
[He shakes it off. ’Get it together.’]
I know how he feels about me, yeah.
[He can’t help but sound somewhat shaken, though his voice is steady.]
He’s told me in no uncertain terms. He told me the truth.
I’ve earned it. I get it. But I don’t have the luxury of lying down and dying, so…
[Unless he’s dead now. That would mean Eren is too. No rest for either of them.]
I’m not asking anyone to believe it, but I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.
Still, if we have to be enemies…then I accept that too.
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[The’re something off in Reiner’s tone that catches her. Nothing too clear, not from across an alley and without even facing him, but it at least has Aubrey looking back his way.]
[“I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.”]
[The figurative blade is wedged deeper. This should really be no surprise. Maybe Eren doesn’t want to kill this man after all; could be worse. Could be a deathgrip on a bleeding palm.]
I believe you. [It’s almost blurted. Aubrey stands back upright, her expression deathly serious as she watches Reiner.] On both fronts.
Whatever you two have… it’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?
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You get it.
[It’s a million times worse. It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die. It’s longing for something that never truly existed, so painfully and all-consuming that you can’t deny it was real.
[Reiner doesn’t know how to say it all so plainly…So, the universe does him a favor; whispers the words above directly into Aubrey’s ears. Reiner doesn’t notice; he continues.]
It is worse. It’s a worse Hell than I can describe. I’m sure Eren feels the same.
[He keeps his gaze on Aubrey, searching.]
You two are the same way. Is that it?
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[“You get it.”]
[The voice that doesn’t match his mouth—hell, what else is new. It could almost be her own thoughts—almost. But “never truly existed”? Eren’s affection isn’t some illusion; Reiner should know that, too. It just… it isn’t.
[It can’t be.]
[Yet every word, aloud and otherwise, rings wrenchingly true. An exposure and a relief in turn, then.
[Aubrey nods, gripping her chest in one hand and raising the tainted other; a tense, twisted fascimile of her pledge for Armin’s love.
[She doesn’t need the world to speak for her.] I want to help him. Despite everything. [Is that a vow or a shackle?]
I don’t know what he feels about me now [as if she ever did]—but I can’t let him die.
[Aubrey realizes, finally, why she wasn’t smiling when she confessed to Eren. The realization was anything but happy, even as she held his face. The recognition, now, is a bullet in slow motion. Her expression is pained.]
There’s something really wrong with us.
[And a more brutal truth, which Aubrey can’t bring herself to say aloud; thus the world delivers, for Reiner’s ears only:
I want him back.]
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[She grips her chest, she raises her palm, permanently marked (Eren's doing?). "I want to help him. Despite everything."
["I want him back." Are those Aubrey's words, or Reiner's? They strike him so deeply that he almost can't tell the difference. Did he imagine it? A thought that's crossed his mind a million times.
[If only life were different, he and Eren might have been able to find some form of happiness together; as comrades, as friends, as...whatever they were on track to be, whatever they are now. If only he could have him back. If only that were ever a possibility. If only he weren't destined to lose him from the moment they met.]
I want to help him too.
[Reiner shakes his head, stares down at his hands, palms up.]
We're at a point now where I don't even know that we can - back home, I mean. And we're still trying.
[Eren has that affect on people too.]
There is something wrong with us.
[In this moment, he means himself an Aubrey more than anyone. Armin, Mikasa, Jean - any of them. They wouldn't get it. They don't.]
What can we do?
[He sounds hopeless. His mind whispers, "We love him. He loves us too, doesn't he? And it kills him. It's fucking killing him."
[Quietly, almost and afterthought.]
It really was my doing...I broke him.
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[What a terrible, gouging relief.
[Reiner shares this—this love, this burden. This desire to help the man (the boy, almost, even now) intent on killing himself—hellbent on putting that responsibility in his loved ones’ hands. And here’s Aubrey and Reiner, taking up the task in another world, where no one’s lives are at stake but their own.
[Because they couldn’t stop caring about Eren at gunpoint.
It’s killing us, too.
[What else can they do?]
[And yet—Reiner’s quiet confession, afterthought that it may be; that catches her, too. Just what it ignites isn’t clear yet. The grip on her own chest presses tighter, as if she might rip her heart out with enough effort.]
Not for good. [He still smiled. He still laughed. Aubrey might have been lying to herself, but was Eren? It wouldn’t have crushed him so thoroughly if he’d been faking it all.] I-it’s as you said—he hasn’t shown it in a long time, but it’s still there.
[Her hand and Armin’s in Eren’s, all three of them chained… that wasn’t a lie, either.]
We can bring it out again.
[“We have to—I have to. There’s nothing else left.”]
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[They broke each other. But Aubrey's words - both said and unsaid - spark a flame of feeble hope. Not that things might get better, or that Eren can be saved; just that he's still in there somewhere. This girl, to his knowledge, doesn't know who Eren used to be, the raw passion that bled from every inch of him. Terrifying passion, but with something to cling to other than destruction.
["He wanted freedom. He wanted happiness. He believed he could find it. He really did. That's the Eren I want back."
[Reiner takes a deep breath. The idea of facing Eren is always a bone-chilling one, made up of both fear and guilt. Once he and Eren are actually face to face, it's a thousand times worse. He'll always be the man that Reiner loves. It's a sick fate.]
I'm...not sure that I can bring anything out in Eren that isn't pain, but...
["He's suffering."]
I want to help.
I'll do whatever I can.
[Maybe it's delusional; it wouldn't be the first time. But, fuck. What else does he have to lose? Just Eren.]
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[The Eren who Reiner knows, used to know—maybe not the same Aubrey knows, but she’s known glimpse enough. She’s known that passion around her, or so even now she wants to think; his arms, his softness, his love.
[Freedom. Happiness. Aubrey nods at that unspoken longing; miserable, yet… hopeful? Is that what’s making her heart beat faster; lovesick, pained, excited? Much as Reiner says he might bring nothing but pain, he wants to help. That reckless vow might not be such a lost cause.]
[Could seeing Reiner again help Eren? It’s hard to fathom, not when Eren’s only ever spoken of him with such cutting hatred, and yet—]
[“…I do hate you.” It’s an echo loud and clear, one audible to both, as if spoken inches from their faces. Like Eren on the screens again; everywhere, nowhere. “And I do love you.”]
[Aubrey steels herself.]
The last time we talked about you—Eren said he hopes you wouldn’t show up. For your own sake. [Better to be direct. Reiner can read into that as he will.]
But I doubt he wants to see me again, either. [Does he? What else was that furious, shouted “Always, then”? What else was his final answer?]
And maybe that… [It’s a chilling thought.] …that’s exactly what he needs.
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To see us again, you mean.
[A statement as much as it is a question. He finds that, despite it all, he doesn't want her answer to be the opposite.]
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[They can’t stand the thought of losing him, can they? What miserable, yearning solidarity.]
What else?
[It’s a mourning question, more of a declaration.
[Of course it is.
[May it eat them alive together.]
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I won't run this time. I owe Eren that much.
When you're ready, call on me.
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[Reiner offers his hand—his left, Aubrey notes. She hesitates, strangely; it’s an irrevocable part of that vow, but feels somehow… purer. Less tainted.
[But it’s only a second.]
[“Call for me.”]
[Aubrey takes Reiner’s hand, firm.]
I will.
[And a brief squeeze, to seal the deal. He’s warm, too....]
Take care of yourself out here.
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You too, Aubrey. I'll see you both soon.