[Strange. Another one of Eren's memories? The thought sends a chill down Reiner's spine. Anything involving Liberio - well, it won't be something that Reiner wants to see; as if he has a choice.
[He expects that Eren and the girl - Audrey? - will show up soon. He's only ever seen them from a distance, picked up bits and pieces of conversation as if hearing it from underwater. He hasn't been watching, although...wouldn't it be hard for anyone to look away?
[He's right there.
[The memories, however; Reiner's only seen two from a firsthand perspective. Eren and Reiner in the Cadets' barracks; Eren and Reiner sparring with Annie. The girl saw them too - the way she screamed still rings in Reiner's ears. Was it him who made her scream like that?
[Reiner waits a few cautious seconds. "Please. Not there. Not that day." He's still on the cobblestone streets of Liberio, the sky gray overhead. He thinks he catches the image of someone sitting on one of the rooftops, but it fades quickly. This bizarre, very...wrong place.
[He takes a breath and another glance around.
[There she is. The look of surprise on his face is only that she's so close - and that, it appears she's alone...
[He doesn't exactly buy that.]
I figured it was only a matter of time. You already know who I am, right?
[It’s strange, after all this time, that her hair’s still so pink. Aubrey doesn’t plan on changing that, any time soon—much as it feels like she’s died and remade herself a thousand times since. The “ring,” and the gashlike mark trailing from it, has certainly stuck. So has the scar from that shadowy “titan,” Basil, whatever it was. And in the slightest test of this world’s voluntary permeability, Aubrey has decided, finally, to forego her contacts.
[The eyes that Reiner catches, then, are dark; clearer than ever, in a way. She’s only barely started to recognize this place; Bertholdt never said where his home was, nor was Aubrey paying close attention when he brought them here, but the gray skies and high rooftops stand out well enough. As does that armband, bound to the shadow-inhabitants like a shackle.]
[Reiner’s wearing one, too. Red as a brand—red as Bertholdt’s. ]
[The next thing she notices is that he looks so goddamn exhausted.]
Reiner. [A hushed recognition. He seems to know her, too.]
[Aubrey stands where he sees her, at the mouth of an alleyway. Her expression is wary, but not overly so. Just… cautious. For all intents and purposes he should be a stranger. And yet....]
Eren’s not here right now.
[And she damn hopes he won’t be, just for this.]
[“You’re important to him.” It goes without saying, but hearing it from someone else… Might be her imagination, but there’s an ache in her hand.]
That’s the first I’ve heard of it, actually. Someone being “nearby.” [Would be a more knee-jerk horrifying thought if not for, well, how this place can be.] Not that I don’t believe you.... [Something to remember for future interactions, then. Including this one.]
[An uncertain pause. She wanted to talk with Reiner, in a way, but now that they’re face-to-face....]
I’m Aubrey. [It’s easier to sound assured about that.] Eren thinks we’re the same, too.
Why would he say that to you? [Bold question, sure. Hardly considerate, context considered. Maybe she’s tired of mincing words.]
[At this, Reiner’s eyes go slightly wide. Has she seen Eren’s ambush in Liberio? Their conversation? That idea makes the question feel violating; it’s violating anyway. What makes he and Eren the same? He’d never be able to explain completely.
[He gets control of his expression, tries to make it firm. Still, he looks…unsettled.]
Because Eren and I are the same.
If you’re asking me to explain why, I don’t know that I could.
[There’s a sort of… impatience, bordering coldness, that nags her at that response. Doesn’t he know that this is a world that will make them talk about everything, whether they want to or not?
[…Maybe he doesn’t. Aubrey wouldn’t exactly be jumping to tell him she wanted to open that godforesaken door again.]
[She sighs, slowly, instead.] Right. Sorry I asked. [Sounds a bit callous, still, but she does mean it.]
For whatever it’s worth, I think Eren’s full of sh— [Hm. Maybe don’t indirectly insult Reiner, too?] I think he lies to himself a lot. [Not… a huge improvement, but more to-the-point.] He just wants to self-destruct.
[At this, Aubrey lifts her own hand, tracing her thumb from her ring finger down her palm.] I guess we all have that much in common.
[At this, a short laugh. It isn't cold in nature; not terribly genuine, either. Some small amusement at Aubrey's wording; that's all.]
Does that make us all full of shit too? Yeah, I get what you mean.
For what it's worth, I'm not angry you asked. It's not like I have anything left to hide, anyway. I'm just not sure how to describe it - me and Eren, I mean. Not sure what all you know to begin with.
[What do you know, he laughs. That gets a slight squint from Aubrey; it’s hardly the carefree song of Armin in the rain, but nothing like the soulless barks she and Eren have exchanged, eiher. Somewhere between. She’s surprised Reiner’s not mad, actually.]
[At his last statement… whew. A quick side glance. Where to start....]
Well, I know you and Bertholdt destroyed Eren’s home. And now you’re fighting on the same side as Eren’s friends, for the world not to be destroyed. [And between that: warmth in the barracks, and a rifle diverted. Hell knows how many years between then.]
Not too much else, really. Just flashes.
[And though, ever-hypocritically, Aubrey’s not too keen on divulging much else…] I don’t know what you’ve heard, either, but I guess if you have any questions… [A shrug. Only fair.]
Edited (slang is my passion) 2023-10-16 00:17 (UTC)
[Reiner flinches a bit when Aubrey mentions the first nail in the proverbial coffin, but nods all the same. No more running from that truth. Hearing Bertholdt's name brings an unexpected pain. He never did learn what happened to his friend...Could it be possible that Aubrey has met him too? That he's here somewhere?]
It's true.
[Not that he'd have expected Aubrey not to believe it, but even so. He's taking accountability.]
Bertholdt was acting under my orders. [He wouldn't want him defending him. Reiner doesn't care.]
So, it was me. [They were twelve years old.] I'm the one who started everything. In that way, I'm just as much to blame as Eren. That's just one way we're the same.
[There's a short pause. He notices he isn't looking at her anymore.]
[Damn, she should’ve paid more attention to what Bertholdt said. Got caught up in Armin going illusion, another little shutdown… But the operation being on Reiner’s orders, that information.
[Just how old are they, anyway? Reiner looks so… gaunt. Nothing like that confident soldier in Eren’s memories. Aubrey had assumed Bertholdt was grown, but he’s tall, and she wasn’t paying attention. But they were both comrades of Eren and Armin’s, and Eren joined the army at twelve....
[Of course he wasn’t the only one.]
Ah, no. [A slightly belated response. There’s no indication she’s judged Reiner poorly for anything he’s said; she doesn’t, really. Whoever’s to blame goes past any individual, or at least any of these people.] Everyone I’ve met here has been from yours. First Eren, then Armin…
[Aubrey braces herself for a moment. They were so stunned to hear about each other; and if Reiner doesn’t already know…]
[Aubrey knows that Armin ate Bertholdt; she doesn’t know whether Reiner is aware of this or not. (She also hasn’t quite, consciously, connected the titan inheritance dot. That can wait.)
[It’s… refreshing yet heart-wrenching, after both Armin and Eren’s panicked shock, to see Reiner’s reaction is so much more subdued.]
[She nods.] Here. Well, he was, when we talked. [A glance to the rooftops. Aubrey stays looking there; it’s marginally easier than Reiner, for the moment.] He misses you a lot....
[Why does she always have to rip the bandaid....]
Do you… know what happened to him? [Her tone is soft. Nothing about it implies the answer is anything good.]
["He misses you a lot..." The words pierce Reiner, a single arrow through the heart. Bertholdt should hate him, but he never would. Of course he'd miss him. Of course he'd say that. Relief tears through Reiner all the same. God, if only he could see him - maybe this means...he could.
[At Aubrey's grim question, Reiner nods. He tries not to dwell on the details for long. If this is Hell, then death has brought him no relief. The pain still feels insurmountable. He didn't witness Bertholdt's final moments firsthand, but he's spent plenty of time imagining them...
[He has no one to blame but himself.]
I do. Just one more thing you can add to my list of sins.
Bertholdt was a good man. [He was seventeen...] He was my best friend.
[Reiner spends a moment scanning the rooftops the way Aubrey had, but there's no familiar silhouette. He looks back at her, expression searching.]
[Eren’s said so. (Aubrey cannot imagine Eren saying “my list of sins” with anything but bitter, worn dryness—a resignation in its own right, but not quite Reiner’s knowing exhaustion.) Bertholdt said so, too. (He thought so, at first. And he thought so just before realizing he could find, if only in illusion, a sort of peace.) Armin hasn’t disagreed with the idea.... (At least, not last Aubrey checked. But Armin also never said their world wasn’t worth saving, despite it all.)
[It feels as though they’ve all died at least once before. And now they’re all caged by invisible walls, for however long they may be conscious, with no clear way out.
[And yet… these cobblestone streets are Bertholdt’s home. Reiner’s, too, maybe. And had the ghost—the ghost! dead and defeated long before this—not decided to try for a glimpse of somewhere better, they might not be here at all.]
[They have a chance, in this purgatory.]
[Aubrey is silent for a long, long time.]
I don’t know.
[Finally, she looks back to Reiner. Such a beautiful, terrible place....]
[Reiner nods. He's fairly certain he knows where Aubrey is going with this; unlike Bertholdt, he isn't shocked by the idea that those brought to this world might have some influence on it.]
I've seen what you and Eren can do. Can't say that I've quite figured it out myself yet, but I'm making progress.
[He realizes that this admission might feel like a violation, but...wouldn't it be just as bad to not tell her at all? Reiner doesn't know. He's never been good at telling the difference between right and wrong.]
[“What you and Eren can do.” Another small stab, at that. At least Reiner didn’t quite phrase it like they’re some sort of twisted little unit.]
[The admission interests Aubrey more than anything, actually. “Not eavesdropping”—yeah, maybe elaborate on that? Far as she’s concerned, neither of them have much to hide at this point.]
“Progress”? [Curious. No animosity. Armin picked it up fast, as did Bertholt; maybe Reiner has, too.]
[He's surprised at the lack of reaction; can't imagine that Eren would be so calm. Unless he's already aware, somehow? Reiner might not have thought him capable of that kind of restraint back when they were just kids, but...]
We can manipulate the world around us, right? Saying it like that makes it sound easy, but it takes practice. That's what I figure, anyway. Maybe you and Eren are just naturals.
[Ha, are they naturals? Eren picked up on it first. Aubrey’s only managed one place, entirely on her own, and it wasn’t… the best....]
[The question is easier to address.] Bertholdt and I did. [Pointing outright, this time, to the rooftops.] He’s the one that brought us here, actually.
With Eren, it’s been… [Volatile? More hellish? His tree took her breath away and his walls leave her wishing he would do that literally.] …different. There are games, sometimes.
[With hesitation, but it’s only fair:] It goes haywire when our minds do.
[It makes sense as much as anything here does. Of course their minds' influence on this place wouldn't only work when it was convenient for them. Still, it's a disturbing confirmation. Reiner's expression is both grave and knowing.]
[Belatedly Aubrey realizes she implied Eren’s mindscape creates games. It doesn’t, exactly, but—well, has she played word association with Armin? When he panicked he made a foggy rooftop; when Eren did, buttons clattered and metal clanged. Endless walls rose around a dance floor. Aubrey herself seems to raise a quiet rot, maybe an icestorm—and a labyrinth of shadow.
[Never mind when Eren himself became an illusion. That certainly wasn’t his doing.... Was it?]
[She frowns, lost in that mental montage for a while. Graciously, the world reflects nothing.] It’s not the only one. [Nearly muttered, that. And yet Aubrey thinks the most dangerous things she’s done here haven’t needed a kick from the world at all.]
[Back to Reiner. Stay grounded.]
We’re supposed to learn from it, maybe. It keeps us honest. [Sometimes by force. She might not need to tell Reiner about that.]
And Eren’s mind… [Idly she traces the mark again, this time with the same thumb.] …doesn’t have to be so dangerous.
[If Reiner notices the mark, he doesn't make it obvious. Would he want somebody staring at his scars? Well, here he is, listening to a stranger describe Eren Jaeger's mind. Reiner's heart aches painfully. He has to wonder...]
If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that Eren's shown sides of himself to you that he hasn't shown anyone in a long time.
[Just one more thing Reiner can blame himself for. Whatever flame Eren had, he ensured it was successfully snuffed out. Reiner used to sit and listen to him talk about freedom, about what might lie behind the walls; even now, he feels sick with shame even thinking about it. I some ways, this all could have been avoided; in other ways, it was always destined to happen just the way it did...]
I should tell you...two of the memories that you and Eren shared, I shared too. One in our Cadets' barracks during the winter, and one training with my comrade, Annie.
[All that is to say, he knows that "destroyed Eren's home town" and "fighting on the side that's against the apocalypse" aren't all she knows about he and Eren...]
Eren and I used to be close.
So, yeah. I get what you mean. He's a complex guy. In some ways...
[“…that he hasn’t shown anyone in a long time.” Okay. Just. Twist that blade, a little bit. Give it a good shake.]
[Fortunately Reiner has more to say. Unfortunately, Aubrey’s been caught on her omission. She scratches the nack of her neck (the nape, always the nape she goes to, now), turning aside. “Used to be close” doesn’t seem to scratch the surface....]
I, uh. Don’t suppose you saw what happened during those memories, either…? [Only faintly a question.]
[Aubrey leans against the nearest wall, suddenly exhausted. The stone’s got nothing on that a embrace.] “Complex”… that’s a start.
[Oh. Great. He got the most embarrassing, mutually-incriminating part.]
Sorry about that. [If it sounds a little clipped (which it does) it’s because she’s trying not to turn red in front of a semi-stranger.]
[Aubrey cough-clears her throat.] So, the one with Annie… he was teaching me that move of hers. And the other…
We were in a similar situation. With the, uh, cold outside and—
I got his feelings with it, I think. [Yeah, that’s right, abruptly shift the topic; that sounds sooo much better. She looks down the street opposite Reiner.] His feelings now, I mean, not back then. They’re…
[At this, a thrill of dread down his spine. He recalls again the meeting in Liberio, the fear and shame that he felt, both equally ugly and intertwined. And then, Eren…
[For the very briefest moment, there’s terror in Reiner’s eyes.
[He shakes it off. ’Get it together.’]
I know how he feels about me, yeah.
[He can’t help but sound somewhat shaken, though his voice is steady.]
He’s told me in no uncertain terms. He told me the truth.
I’ve earned it. I get it. But I don’t have the luxury of lying down and dying, so…
[Unless he’s dead now. That would mean Eren is too. No rest for either of them.]
I’m not asking anyone to believe it, but I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.
Still, if we have to be enemies…then I accept that too.
[The’re something off in Reiner’s tone that catches her. Nothing too clear, not from across an alley and without even facing him, but it at least has Aubrey looking back his way.]
[“I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.”]
[The figurative blade is wedged deeper. This should really be no surprise. Maybe Eren doesn’t want to kill this man after all; could be worse. Could be a deathgrip on a bleeding palm.]
I believe you. [It’s almost blurted. Aubrey stands back upright, her expression deathly serious as she watches Reiner.] On both fronts.
Whatever you two have… it’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?
[Aubrey’s sudden intensity strikes Reiner before the question does. One feels like an alarm, the other an explosion. Reiner’s struck with the realization that Aubrey understands; understands something that only he and Eren ever could. It feels exposing. It feels like…relief.]
You get it.
[It’s a million times worse. It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die. It’s longing for something that never truly existed, so painfully and all-consuming that you can’t deny it was real.
[Reiner doesn’t know how to say it all so plainly…So, the universe does him a favor; whispers the words above directly into Aubrey’s ears. Reiner doesn’t notice; he continues.]
It is worse. It’s a worse Hell than I can describe. I’m sure Eren feels the same.
[The voice that doesn’t match his mouth—hell, what else is new. It could almost be her own thoughts—almost. But “never truly existed”? Eren’s affection isn’t some illusion; Reiner should know that, too. It just… it isn’t.
[It can’t be.]
[Yet every word, aloud and otherwise, rings wrenchingly true. An exposure and a relief in turn, then.
[Aubrey nods, gripping her chest in one hand and raising the tainted other; a tense, twisted fascimile of her pledge for Armin’s love.
[She doesn’t need the world to speak for her.] I want to help him. Despite everything. [Is that a vow or a shackle?]
I don’t know what he feels about me now [as if she ever did]—but I can’t let him die.
[Aubrey realizes, finally, why she wasn’t smiling when she confessed to Eren. The realization was anything but happy, even as she held his face. The recognition, now, is a bullet in slow motion. Her expression is pained.]
There’s something really wrong with us.
[And a more brutal truth, which Aubrey can’t bring herself to say aloud; thus the world delivers, for Reiner’s ears only: I want him back.]
[It isn't that Eren's love was an illusion; Reiner's was. At least, that's how it looks to Eren (looked? Reiner can't be sure how he might feel now). As always, it was Reiner's actions that led them to the path they're on now - his lies, his betrayal. It all would have had to come out eventually; Reiner isn't sure that things would have ended differently if he hadn't bonded with Eren. Either way, they are where they are now. Eren is on a suicide mission, and this girl - his girl - seems to realize that.
[She grips her chest, she raises her palm, permanently marked (Eren's doing?). "I want to help him. Despite everything."
["I want him back." Are those Aubrey's words, or Reiner's? They strike him so deeply that he almost can't tell the difference. Did he imagine it? A thought that's crossed his mind a million times.
[If only life were different, he and Eren might have been able to find some form of happiness together; as comrades, as friends, as...whatever they were on track to be, whatever they are now. If only he could have him back. If only that were ever a possibility. If only he weren't destined to lose him from the moment they met.]
I want to help him too.
[Reiner shakes his head, stares down at his hands, palms up.]
We're at a point now where I don't even know that we can - back home, I mean. And we're still trying.
[Eren has that affect on people too.]
There is something wrong with us.
[In this moment, he means himself an Aubrey more than anyone. Armin, Mikasa, Jean - any of them. They wouldn't get it. They don't.]
What can we do?
[He sounds hopeless. His mind whispers, "We love him. He loves us too, doesn't he? And it kills him. It's fucking killing him."
[Quietly, almost and afterthought.]
It really was my doing...I broke him.
Edited (bonus line for u also) 2023-10-16 14:40 (UTC)
[Reiner shares this—this love, this burden. This desire to help the man (the boy, almost, even now) intent on killing himself—hellbent on putting that responsibility in his loved ones’ hands. And here’s Aubrey and Reiner, taking up the task in another world, where no one’s lives are at stake but their own.
[Because they couldn’t stop caring about Eren at gunpoint.
It’s killing us, too.
[What else can they do?]
[And yet—Reiner’s quiet confession, afterthought that it may be; that catches her, too. Just what it ignites isn’t clear yet. The grip on her own chest presses tighter, as if she might rip her heart out with enough effort.]
Not for good. [He still smiled. He still laughed. Aubrey might have been lying to herself, but was Eren? It wouldn’t have crushed him so thoroughly if he’d been faking it all.] I-it’s as you said—he hasn’t shown it in a long time, but it’s still there.
[Her hand and Armin’s in Eren’s, all three of them chained… that wasn’t a lie, either.]
We can bring it out again.
[“We have to—I have to. There’s nothing else left.”]
["It's killing us too." Reiner grips his own chest when Aubrey says that. He nods, miserable. It is killing him; it's all killing him, and not fast enough. Seeing Eren in person again had felt...indescribable in the worst way. Reiner had fallen to his knees, begging Eren to kill him, to take what was owed. And Eren didn't. Why not? To punish him? Or was it something else?
[They broke each other. But Aubrey's words - both said and unsaid - spark a flame of feeble hope. Not that things might get better, or that Eren can be saved; just that he's still in there somewhere. This girl, to his knowledge, doesn't know who Eren used to be, the raw passion that bled from every inch of him. Terrifying passion, but with something to cling to other than destruction.
["He wanted freedom. He wanted happiness. He believed he could find it. He really did. That's the Eren I want back."
[Reiner takes a deep breath. The idea of facing Eren is always a bone-chilling one, made up of both fear and guilt. Once he and Eren are actually face to face, it's a thousand times worse. He'll always be the man that Reiner loves. It's a sick fate.]
I'm...not sure that I can bring anything out in Eren that isn't pain, but...
["He's suffering."]
I want to help.
I'll do whatever I can.
[Maybe it's delusional; it wouldn't be the first time. But, fuck. What else does he have to lose? Just Eren.]
[The Eren who Reiner knows, used to know—maybe not the same Aubrey knows, but she’s known glimpse enough. She’s known that passion around her, or so even now she wants to think; his arms, his softness, his love.
[Freedom. Happiness. Aubrey nods at that unspoken longing; miserable, yet… hopeful? Is that what’s making her heart beat faster; lovesick, pained, excited? Much as Reiner says he might bring nothing but pain, he wants to help. That reckless vow might not be such a lost cause.]
[Could seeing Reiner again help Eren? It’s hard to fathom, not when Eren’s only ever spoken of him with such cutting hatred, and yet—]
[“…I do hate you.” It’s an echo loud and clear, one audible to both, as if spoken inches from their faces. Like Eren on the screens again; everywhere, nowhere. “And I do love you.”]
[Aubrey steels herself.]
The last time we talked about you—Eren said he hopes you wouldn’t show up. For your own sake. [Better to be direct. Reiner can read into that as he will.]
But I doubt he wants to see me again, either. [Does he? What else was that furious, shouted “Always, then”? What else was his final answer?]
And maybe that… [It’s a chilling thought.] …that’s exactly what he needs.
[The whispered words - not in Aubrey's voice, not in Reiner's, but echoing the beat of their hearts all the same, tall and dark-haired, with green eyes like a sea on fire. Reiner's expression becomes pained. She really does understand. He feels sick for her. It isn't easy to love Eren Jaeger, and they both know it very well.]
To see us again, you mean.
[A statement as much as it is a question. He finds that, despite it all, he doesn't want her answer to be the opposite.]
[Reiner offers his hand—his left, Aubrey notes. She hesitates, strangely; it’s an irrevocable part of that vow, but feels somehow… purer. Less tainted.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
let's GOOOOOOOOOOO
[Strange. Another one of Eren's memories? The thought sends a chill down Reiner's spine. Anything involving Liberio - well, it won't be something that Reiner wants to see; as if he has a choice.
[He expects that Eren and the girl - Audrey? - will show up soon. He's only ever seen them from a distance, picked up bits and pieces of conversation as if hearing it from underwater. He hasn't been watching, although...wouldn't it be hard for anyone to look away?
[He's right there.
[The memories, however; Reiner's only seen two from a firsthand perspective. Eren and Reiner in the Cadets' barracks; Eren and Reiner sparring with Annie. The girl saw them too - the way she screamed still rings in Reiner's ears. Was it him who made her scream like that?
[Reiner waits a few cautious seconds. "Please. Not there. Not that day." He's still on the cobblestone streets of Liberio, the sky gray overhead. He thinks he catches the image of someone sitting on one of the rooftops, but it fades quickly. This bizarre, very...wrong place.
[He takes a breath and another glance around.
[There she is. The look of surprise on his face is only that she's so close - and that, it appears she's alone...
[He doesn't exactly buy that.]
I figured it was only a matter of time. You already know who I am, right?
Where's Eren?
ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
[It’s strange, after all this time, that her hair’s still so pink. Aubrey doesn’t plan on changing that, any time soon—much as it feels like she’s died and remade herself a thousand times since. The “ring,” and the gashlike mark trailing from it, has certainly stuck. So has the scar from that shadowy “titan,” Basil, whatever it was. And in the slightest test of this world’s voluntary permeability, Aubrey has decided, finally, to forego her contacts.
[The eyes that Reiner catches, then, are dark; clearer than ever, in a way. She’s only barely started to recognize this place; Bertholdt never said where his home was, nor was Aubrey paying close attention when he brought them here, but the gray skies and high rooftops stand out well enough. As does that armband, bound to the shadow-inhabitants like a shackle.]
[Reiner’s wearing one, too. Red as a brand—red as Bertholdt’s. ]
[The next thing she notices is that he looks so goddamn exhausted.]
Reiner. [A hushed recognition. He seems to know her, too.]
[Aubrey stands where he sees her, at the mouth of an alleyway. Her expression is wary, but not overly so. Just… cautious. For all intents and purposes he should be a stranger. And yet....]
Eren’s not here right now.
[And she damn hopes he won’t be, just for this.]
no subject
Don't take this personally, but it's a little hard for me to believe that.
[He closes his eyes for a moment, sighs. When he speaks again, his voice is just slightly raised:]
So, if you are here, don't think you'll catch me off guard.
no subject
[He’s got a point. Somehow Aubrey doubts Eren would hide on purpose; doesn’t mean the world’s not hiding him somewhere. She listens for taut chains.]
[Nothing.]
…None taken. We’ll both be on guard, then. [Maybe for different reasons....]
You know who I am?
no subject
I just know you're important to him.
[Didn't expect to have to break this to either one of them - especially the girl he doesn't know - any time soon, but...]
I've been nearby. Not eavesdropping, but you know how this place can be.
no subject
[“You’re important to him.” It goes without saying, but hearing it from someone else… Might be her imagination, but there’s an ache in her hand.]
That’s the first I’ve heard of it, actually. Someone being “nearby.” [Would be a more knee-jerk horrifying thought if not for, well, how this place can be.] Not that I don’t believe you.... [Something to remember for future interactions, then. Including this one.]
[An uncertain pause. She wanted to talk with Reiner, in a way, but now that they’re face-to-face....]
I’m Aubrey. [It’s easier to sound assured about that.] Eren thinks we’re the same, too.
Why would he say that to you? [Bold question, sure. Hardly considerate, context considered. Maybe she’s tired of mincing words.]
no subject
[He gets control of his expression, tries to make it firm. Still, he looks…unsettled.]
Because Eren and I are the same.
If you’re asking me to explain why, I don’t know that I could.
We’ve been through a lot.
[Together and otherwise.]
no subject
[There’s a sort of… impatience, bordering coldness, that nags her at that response. Doesn’t he know that this is a world that will make them talk about everything, whether they want to or not?
[…Maybe he doesn’t. Aubrey wouldn’t exactly be jumping to tell him she wanted to open that godforesaken door again.]
[She sighs, slowly, instead.] Right. Sorry I asked. [Sounds a bit callous, still, but she does mean it.]
For whatever it’s worth, I think Eren’s full of sh— [Hm. Maybe don’t indirectly insult Reiner, too?] I think he lies to himself a lot. [Not… a huge improvement, but more to-the-point.] He just wants to self-destruct.
[At this, Aubrey lifts her own hand, tracing her thumb from her ring finger down her palm.] I guess we all have that much in common.
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Does that make us all full of shit too? Yeah, I get what you mean.
For what it's worth, I'm not angry you asked. It's not like I have anything left to hide, anyway. I'm just not sure how to describe it - me and Eren, I mean. Not sure what all you know to begin with.
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[What do you know, he laughs. That gets a slight squint from Aubrey; it’s hardly the carefree song of Armin in the rain, but nothing like the soulless barks she and Eren have exchanged, eiher. Somewhere between. She’s surprised Reiner’s not mad, actually.]
[At his last statement… whew. A quick side glance. Where to start....]
Well, I know you and Bertholdt destroyed Eren’s home. And now you’re fighting on the same side as Eren’s friends, for the world not to be destroyed. [And between that: warmth in the barracks, and a rifle diverted. Hell knows how many years between then.]
Not too much else, really. Just flashes.
[And though, ever-hypocritically, Aubrey’s not too keen on divulging much else…] I don’t know what you’ve heard, either, but I guess if you have any questions… [A shrug. Only fair.]
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It's true.
[Not that he'd have expected Aubrey not to believe it, but even so. He's taking accountability.]
Bertholdt was acting under my orders. [He wouldn't want him defending him. Reiner doesn't care.]
So, it was me. [They were twelve years old.] I'm the one who started everything. In that way, I'm just as much to blame as Eren. That's just one way we're the same.
[There's a short pause. He notices he isn't looking at her anymore.]
You're not from our world, are you?
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[Damn, she should’ve paid more attention to what Bertholdt said. Got caught up in Armin going illusion, another little shutdown… But the operation being on Reiner’s orders, that information.
[Just how old are they, anyway? Reiner looks so… gaunt. Nothing like that confident soldier in Eren’s memories. Aubrey had assumed Bertholdt was grown, but he’s tall, and she wasn’t paying attention. But they were both comrades of Eren and Armin’s, and Eren joined the army at twelve....
[Of course he wasn’t the only one.]
Ah, no. [A slightly belated response. There’s no indication she’s judged Reiner poorly for anything he’s said; she doesn’t, really. Whoever’s to blame goes past any individual, or at least any of these people.] Everyone I’ve met here has been from yours. First Eren, then Armin…
[Aubrey braces herself for a moment. They were so stunned to hear about each other; and if Reiner doesn’t already know…]
…Bertholdt, too.
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Bertholdt?
[He breathes the name before it fully registers. His face goes softly stunned. It's a look that can only mean love.]
He's here? You've talked to him?
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[Aubrey knows that Armin ate Bertholdt; she doesn’t know whether Reiner is aware of this or not. (She also hasn’t quite, consciously, connected the titan inheritance dot. That can wait.)
[It’s… refreshing yet heart-wrenching, after both Armin and Eren’s panicked shock, to see Reiner’s reaction is so much more subdued.]
[She nods.] Here. Well, he was, when we talked. [A glance to the rooftops. Aubrey stays looking there; it’s marginally easier than Reiner, for the moment.] He misses you a lot....
[Why does she always have to rip the bandaid....]
Do you… know what happened to him? [Her tone is soft. Nothing about it implies the answer is anything good.]
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[At Aubrey's grim question, Reiner nods. He tries not to dwell on the details for long. If this is Hell, then death has brought him no relief. The pain still feels insurmountable. He didn't witness Bertholdt's final moments firsthand, but he's spent plenty of time imagining them...
[He has no one to blame but himself.]
I do. Just one more thing you can add to my list of sins.
Bertholdt was a good man. [He was seventeen...] He was my best friend.
[Reiner spends a moment scanning the rooftops the way Aubrey had, but there's no familiar silhouette. He looks back at her, expression searching.]
Are we all dead? Is that it?
Is this Hell?
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[Is this Hell, really?]
[Eren’s said so. (Aubrey cannot imagine Eren saying “my list of sins” with anything but bitter, worn dryness—a resignation in its own right, but not quite Reiner’s knowing exhaustion.) Bertholdt said so, too. (He thought so, at first. And he thought so just before realizing he could find, if only in illusion, a sort of peace.) Armin hasn’t disagreed with the idea.... (At least, not last Aubrey checked. But Armin also never said their world wasn’t worth saving, despite it all.)
[It feels as though they’ve all died at least once before. And now they’re all caged by invisible walls, for however long they may be conscious, with no clear way out.
[And yet… these cobblestone streets are Bertholdt’s home. Reiner’s, too, maybe. And had the ghost—the ghost! dead and defeated long before this—not decided to try for a glimpse of somewhere better, they might not be here at all.]
[They have a chance, in this purgatory.]
[Aubrey is silent for a long, long time.]
I don’t know.
[Finally, she looks back to Reiner. Such a beautiful, terrible place....]
I think that’s up to us.
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I've seen what you and Eren can do. Can't say that I've quite figured it out myself yet, but I'm making progress.
[He realizes that this admission might feel like a violation, but...wouldn't it be just as bad to not tell her at all? Reiner doesn't know. He's never been good at telling the difference between right and wrong.]
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[“What you and Eren can do.” Another small stab, at that. At least Reiner didn’t quite phrase it like they’re some sort of twisted little unit.]
[The admission interests Aubrey more than anything, actually. “Not eavesdropping”—yeah, maybe elaborate on that? Far as she’s concerned, neither of them have much to hide at this point.]
“Progress”? [Curious. No animosity. Armin picked it up fast, as did Bertholt; maybe Reiner has, too.]
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We can manipulate the world around us, right? Saying it like that makes it sound easy, but it takes practice. That's what I figure, anyway. Maybe you and Eren are just naturals.
You must have met here, I guess?
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[Ha, are they naturals? Eren picked up on it first. Aubrey’s only managed one place, entirely on her own, and it wasn’t… the best....]
[The question is easier to address.] Bertholdt and I did. [Pointing outright, this time, to the rooftops.] He’s the one that brought us here, actually.
With Eren, it’s been… [Volatile? More hellish? His tree took her breath away and his walls leave her wishing he would do that literally.] …different. There are games, sometimes.
[With hesitation, but it’s only fair:] It goes haywire when our minds do.
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Eren's mind is a dangerous place.
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[Belatedly Aubrey realizes she implied Eren’s mindscape creates games. It doesn’t, exactly, but—well, has she played word association with Armin? When he panicked he made a foggy rooftop; when Eren did, buttons clattered and metal clanged. Endless walls rose around a dance floor. Aubrey herself seems to raise a quiet rot, maybe an icestorm—and a labyrinth of shadow.
[Never mind when Eren himself became an illusion. That certainly wasn’t his doing.... Was it?]
[She frowns, lost in that mental montage for a while. Graciously, the world reflects nothing.] It’s not the only one. [Nearly muttered, that. And yet Aubrey thinks the most dangerous things she’s done here haven’t needed a kick from the world at all.]
[Back to Reiner. Stay grounded.]
We’re supposed to learn from it, maybe. It keeps us honest. [Sometimes by force. She might not need to tell Reiner about that.]
And Eren’s mind… [Idly she traces the mark again, this time with the same thumb.] …doesn’t have to be so dangerous.
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If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that Eren's shown sides of himself to you that he hasn't shown anyone in a long time.
[Just one more thing Reiner can blame himself for. Whatever flame Eren had, he ensured it was successfully snuffed out. Reiner used to sit and listen to him talk about freedom, about what might lie behind the walls; even now, he feels sick with shame even thinking about it. I some ways, this all could have been avoided; in other ways, it was always destined to happen just the way it did...]
I should tell you...two of the memories that you and Eren shared, I shared too. One in our Cadets' barracks during the winter, and one training with my comrade, Annie.
[All that is to say, he knows that "destroyed Eren's home town" and "fighting on the side that's against the apocalypse" aren't all she knows about he and Eren...]
Eren and I used to be close.
So, yeah. I get what you mean. He's a complex guy. In some ways...
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[“…that he hasn’t shown anyone in a long time.” Okay. Just. Twist that blade, a little bit. Give it a good shake.]
[Fortunately Reiner has more to say. Unfortunately, Aubrey’s been caught on her omission. She scratches the nack of her neck (the nape, always the nape she goes to, now), turning aside. “Used to be close” doesn’t seem to scratch the surface....]
I, uh. Don’t suppose you saw what happened during those memories, either…? [Only faintly a question.]
[Aubrey leans against the nearest wall, suddenly exhausted. The stone’s got nothing on that a embrace.] “Complex”… that’s a start.
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[His expression suddenly tightens a bit; like a facial flinch.]
I remember you screaming. That's all. I couldn't see or feel anything after that.
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[Oh. Great. He got the most embarrassing, mutually-incriminating part.]
Sorry about that. [If it sounds a little clipped (which it does) it’s because she’s trying not to turn red in front of a semi-stranger.]
[Aubrey cough-clears her throat.] So, the one with Annie… he was teaching me that move of hers. And the other…
We were in a similar situation. With the, uh, cold outside and—
I got his feelings with it, I think. [Yeah, that’s right, abruptly shift the topic; that sounds sooo much better. She looks down the street opposite Reiner.] His feelings now, I mean, not back then. They’re…
[“Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. For his sake.”
[Aubrey decides she will not, as much as the world allows, be telling Eren about this encounter.]
…intense. [A delayed finish.] You probably know that.
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[For the very briefest moment, there’s terror in Reiner’s eyes.
[He shakes it off. ’Get it together.’]
I know how he feels about me, yeah.
[He can’t help but sound somewhat shaken, though his voice is steady.]
He’s told me in no uncertain terms. He told me the truth.
I’ve earned it. I get it. But I don’t have the luxury of lying down and dying, so…
[Unless he’s dead now. That would mean Eren is too. No rest for either of them.]
I’m not asking anyone to believe it, but I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.
Still, if we have to be enemies…then I accept that too.
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[The’re something off in Reiner’s tone that catches her. Nothing too clear, not from across an alley and without even facing him, but it at least has Aubrey looking back his way.]
[“I care about Eren. I always will. He has that effect on people.”]
[The figurative blade is wedged deeper. This should really be no surprise. Maybe Eren doesn’t want to kill this man after all; could be worse. Could be a deathgrip on a bleeding palm.]
I believe you. [It’s almost blurted. Aubrey stands back upright, her expression deathly serious as she watches Reiner.] On both fronts.
Whatever you two have… it’s worse than enemies, isn’t it?
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You get it.
[It’s a million times worse. It’s loving someone whose destruction is your responsibility. It’s mourning someone that just won’t die. It’s longing for something that never truly existed, so painfully and all-consuming that you can’t deny it was real.
[Reiner doesn’t know how to say it all so plainly…So, the universe does him a favor; whispers the words above directly into Aubrey’s ears. Reiner doesn’t notice; he continues.]
It is worse. It’s a worse Hell than I can describe. I’m sure Eren feels the same.
[He keeps his gaze on Aubrey, searching.]
You two are the same way. Is that it?
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[“You get it.”]
[The voice that doesn’t match his mouth—hell, what else is new. It could almost be her own thoughts—almost. But “never truly existed”? Eren’s affection isn’t some illusion; Reiner should know that, too. It just… it isn’t.
[It can’t be.]
[Yet every word, aloud and otherwise, rings wrenchingly true. An exposure and a relief in turn, then.
[Aubrey nods, gripping her chest in one hand and raising the tainted other; a tense, twisted fascimile of her pledge for Armin’s love.
[She doesn’t need the world to speak for her.] I want to help him. Despite everything. [Is that a vow or a shackle?]
I don’t know what he feels about me now [as if she ever did]—but I can’t let him die.
[Aubrey realizes, finally, why she wasn’t smiling when she confessed to Eren. The realization was anything but happy, even as she held his face. The recognition, now, is a bullet in slow motion. Her expression is pained.]
There’s something really wrong with us.
[And a more brutal truth, which Aubrey can’t bring herself to say aloud; thus the world delivers, for Reiner’s ears only:
I want him back.]
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[She grips her chest, she raises her palm, permanently marked (Eren's doing?). "I want to help him. Despite everything."
["I want him back." Are those Aubrey's words, or Reiner's? They strike him so deeply that he almost can't tell the difference. Did he imagine it? A thought that's crossed his mind a million times.
[If only life were different, he and Eren might have been able to find some form of happiness together; as comrades, as friends, as...whatever they were on track to be, whatever they are now. If only he could have him back. If only that were ever a possibility. If only he weren't destined to lose him from the moment they met.]
I want to help him too.
[Reiner shakes his head, stares down at his hands, palms up.]
We're at a point now where I don't even know that we can - back home, I mean. And we're still trying.
[Eren has that affect on people too.]
There is something wrong with us.
[In this moment, he means himself an Aubrey more than anyone. Armin, Mikasa, Jean - any of them. They wouldn't get it. They don't.]
What can we do?
[He sounds hopeless. His mind whispers, "We love him. He loves us too, doesn't he? And it kills him. It's fucking killing him."
[Quietly, almost and afterthought.]
It really was my doing...I broke him.
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[What a terrible, gouging relief.
[Reiner shares this—this love, this burden. This desire to help the man (the boy, almost, even now) intent on killing himself—hellbent on putting that responsibility in his loved ones’ hands. And here’s Aubrey and Reiner, taking up the task in another world, where no one’s lives are at stake but their own.
[Because they couldn’t stop caring about Eren at gunpoint.
It’s killing us, too.
[What else can they do?]
[And yet—Reiner’s quiet confession, afterthought that it may be; that catches her, too. Just what it ignites isn’t clear yet. The grip on her own chest presses tighter, as if she might rip her heart out with enough effort.]
Not for good. [He still smiled. He still laughed. Aubrey might have been lying to herself, but was Eren? It wouldn’t have crushed him so thoroughly if he’d been faking it all.] I-it’s as you said—he hasn’t shown it in a long time, but it’s still there.
[Her hand and Armin’s in Eren’s, all three of them chained… that wasn’t a lie, either.]
We can bring it out again.
[“We have to—I have to. There’s nothing else left.”]
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[They broke each other. But Aubrey's words - both said and unsaid - spark a flame of feeble hope. Not that things might get better, or that Eren can be saved; just that he's still in there somewhere. This girl, to his knowledge, doesn't know who Eren used to be, the raw passion that bled from every inch of him. Terrifying passion, but with something to cling to other than destruction.
["He wanted freedom. He wanted happiness. He believed he could find it. He really did. That's the Eren I want back."
[Reiner takes a deep breath. The idea of facing Eren is always a bone-chilling one, made up of both fear and guilt. Once he and Eren are actually face to face, it's a thousand times worse. He'll always be the man that Reiner loves. It's a sick fate.]
I'm...not sure that I can bring anything out in Eren that isn't pain, but...
["He's suffering."]
I want to help.
I'll do whatever I can.
[Maybe it's delusional; it wouldn't be the first time. But, fuck. What else does he have to lose? Just Eren.]
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[The Eren who Reiner knows, used to know—maybe not the same Aubrey knows, but she’s known glimpse enough. She’s known that passion around her, or so even now she wants to think; his arms, his softness, his love.
[Freedom. Happiness. Aubrey nods at that unspoken longing; miserable, yet… hopeful? Is that what’s making her heart beat faster; lovesick, pained, excited? Much as Reiner says he might bring nothing but pain, he wants to help. That reckless vow might not be such a lost cause.]
[Could seeing Reiner again help Eren? It’s hard to fathom, not when Eren’s only ever spoken of him with such cutting hatred, and yet—]
[“…I do hate you.” It’s an echo loud and clear, one audible to both, as if spoken inches from their faces. Like Eren on the screens again; everywhere, nowhere. “And I do love you.”]
[Aubrey steels herself.]
The last time we talked about you—Eren said he hopes you wouldn’t show up. For your own sake. [Better to be direct. Reiner can read into that as he will.]
But I doubt he wants to see me again, either. [Does he? What else was that furious, shouted “Always, then”? What else was his final answer?]
And maybe that… [It’s a chilling thought.] …that’s exactly what he needs.
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To see us again, you mean.
[A statement as much as it is a question. He finds that, despite it all, he doesn't want her answer to be the opposite.]
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[They can’t stand the thought of losing him, can they? What miserable, yearning solidarity.]
What else?
[It’s a mourning question, more of a declaration.
[Of course it is.
[May it eat them alive together.]
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I won't run this time. I owe Eren that much.
When you're ready, call on me.
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[Reiner offers his hand—his left, Aubrey notes. She hesitates, strangely; it’s an irrevocable part of that vow, but feels somehow… purer. Less tainted.
[But it’s only a second.]
[“Call for me.”]
[Aubrey takes Reiner’s hand, firm.]
I will.
[And a brief squeeze, to seal the deal. He’s warm, too....]
Take care of yourself out here.
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You too, Aubrey. I'll see you both soon.